It's like, a conspiracy, man...

Stew Winkle, bleacher reporter, says "I'm on to your scheme, swarmy NBA refs".

Let’s talk hypothetically for a moment.

Lets!

If you were an NBA official and wanted to make sure the Orlando Magic won last night, what would be some things you might try to do?

Slash the tires on the Celtics team bus.

A few quickly come to mind.

Get the Celtics into early foul trouble.

Or that.

In particular, get the Celtics big men into early foul trouble.

Surely the Celtics big men had nothing to do with getting into foul troubles. They are gentlemen. They've never fouled in their lives. They visit sick children in the hospital and gently pet small animals.

If the big men are in foul trouble, they can’t be physical with Dwight Howard.

They can, assuming they keep it to a reasonably clean level of physicality.

Also, with Rajon Rondo being the catalyst for the Celtics offense, and Boston having no real back-up, the officials would want to get him in foul trouble as well.

Nate Robinson might suck, but he's a better backup than most. Additionally, I think that Celtics fans often underscore how good their team is. They have three first ballot hall- of-famers that, while old, can still produce at extremely high levels. But yeah, with Rondo out, the Celtics bah-low.

Now, how would you accomplish this?

I think you already laid this out.

It isn’t as if the officials can just make an Orlando player take the ball to the hoop against one of these players. No, what you would do is call ticky-tack, non-shooting, off-the-ball fouls. It can get teams in the penalty quickly. It can get the players you want to focus on in foul trouble quickly. A perfect combination.

Wait for it.

Unfortunately, if you are a Celtics fan, what I just described was not a hypothetical, but it was the nightmare of what happened in last night’s Orlando Magic Game Five win.

Waiiiiiiiiit for it!

Last night’s game will take its place right along side Lakers-Kings Game Six from 2002 as exhibits A and B in the Tim Donaghy-taught class of How NBA Officials Impact a Game.

There it is! The inevitable recollection of the 2002 WCF! Look, I agree, something weird happened that may have been a conspiracy then, but do you REALLY think that the Magic/Celtics series thus far is comparable?

Think I am crazy?

Well, I mean...you said it.

Think this is just sour grapes?

First, if you watched with a neutral eye and are being honest, I find no way that you can dismiss the obvious impact the officials had on the game last night.

"OW-AHH BELOVED CELTICS, WHOM WE DID NAWT CARE ABOUT UNTIL 3 YEAHS AGO, AH BEING SCREWED BY THESE JEW REFS"

But second, I have actually brought facts to support what I am writing.

Yippee.

For the game, Boston was called for 30 fouls to just 24 for the Magic.

Surely a conspiracy favoring the Magic.

Okay, not a major discrepancy.

Oh.

But, Boston was called for 22 non-shooting fouls, to just 14 for Orlando.

Six fouls, no major discrepancy here. But eight, just wait a goddamn minute, I think something is up!

And far more important, is when those calls were made and on whom.

In the first eight minutes of the game, Kevin Garnett was called for two non-shooting fouls, Rajon Rondo two, and Kendrick Perkins one.

I don't recall either Rondo's or Garnetts fouls, but I will admit that the foul on Kendrick Perkins was eh. Whatever. Ok, three of your starters got into foul trouble in the first quarter. This is the first time this has ever happened ever.

At the 4:26 mark of the quarter, the Celtics were already in the penalty, Garnett was on the bench, and Rondo remained on the floor but could not be as aggressive because of his two fouls.

For shame, he can no longer rake men across the arms trying to knock the ball loose.

By the end of the quarter, Glen Davis, who came in for Garnett, had two non-shooting fouls called on him. For the quarter, Boston was called for eight fouls, all non-shooting.

Again, these things happen.

On to the second quarter, with both Davis and Garnett on the bench in foul trouble, the officials went to work on the other big men of the Celtics.

Picture the scene...Dark, underground, smokey war room, David Stern at a large circular desk surrounded by various oil barons and heads of state. He picks up his red telephone, calls into Amway arena, and...well, you know the outcome. (SPOILER: it ends with a Magic series victory!)

It would not take long.

Within the first five minutes of the second quarter, Rasheed Wallace was called for three fouls, two of which were non-shooting. Mike Breen said repeatedly last night that the officials were calling a tight game.

Rasheed Wallace, the guy who lead the team during the regular season in personal fouls, got into foul trouble. Well I never...

He was half-right.

Alright Mike Breen. Shootin' 1 for 2!

The officials put their whistles away for long stretches last night when the Celtics had the ball, allowing the Magic to make their runs uninterrupted.

"IM TELLIN YAH THESE FACKIN RATS DONT WAHNT US TO WIN. THEY COULD BARE US WINNIN AND SHOWIN THA REST OF THA WORLD HOW TRUE CHAMPIONS CELEBRATE".

Between the end of the first quarter and middle of the second, Orlando went nearly seven minutes without one foul being called.

And?

Not coincidentally, it was during this stretch where the Magic seized control of the game, turning a two-point lead into a 12-point advantage.

It has been long noted that during runs, less fouls are called. That's always how it's been. But yeah, conspiracy and all that.

For anyone who might say the game was just being called tight, and that was the reason for all the non-shooting fouls, how can you explain Dwight Howard not picking up his second foul of the game until there were just two minutes left in the fourth quarter?

Generally, Dwight Howard gets into foul trouble while having to guard good inside scorers. When those aggressive inside scorers are on the bench due to foul trouble, Howard is left to guard Glen Davis.

Howard is one of the most aggressive and foul-prone players in the league. No chance if the game is being called fairly, and it is being called tight, he emerges with only one foul in the first 46 minutes.

It's like, man, they're out to get us. *Takes another rip off the bong*

Okay, so the officials have put the Celtics in the penalty early in quarters, got Rondo, Garnett, Davis, and Wallace in foul trouble, and kept the whistle in their pockets when the Magic were on defense.

Mission accomplished?

I'd say so.

The answer would be no, as Rush and Crawford then took things too far.

Ah hell, way to blow it guys.

Enter Kendrick Perkins.

Stage left.

The officials tagged him with three non-shooting fouls in the first half with two coming within 40 seconds of each other. By now, also, we know they also hit him with two technical fouls.

If last night was a mid-week game in February, there would be a strong argument that neither one should have been called a technical.

Officiating during mid season isn't as tight as it is during the playoffs. And for good reason. I agree.

But in the Eastern Conference Finals, under absolutely no circumstances can an official call those technical fouls on him.

Wait, you want even more lax officiating in the playoffs? What? I don't...

To be fair, the first technical was a double-tech, where both Perkins and Marcin Gortat were called for technical fouls (Gortat's was also an underserving technical).

Perkins elbowed Gortat in the midsection, Gortat knocked the ball from Perkins. Just two dudes bein' dudes. Nothin' unsportsmanlike here.

About a minute after the first call, with 36 seconds left in the half, Perkins is called for his third non-shooting foul.

Which, I'll admit, was a soft call.

He reacts. But he also, turns away, and starts to walk in the complete opposite direction from the official. He does what he should do.

He acts like an absolute child when he is called for a foul. That's what he's always done, that's probably what he'll always do. Again, technical fouls can be called for a multitude of reasons. One of them is unsportsmanlike behavior. Throwing a hissyfit, regardless of where you do it, is such behavior. Grow up. You're a professional athlete, act like it.

That does not matter. The official T’s him up anyway. The official for both calls: Ed F. Rush.

"ED FAHCKIN RUSH IS ON THA MAGIC PAYROLL!"

Here is what Bill Simmons tweeted about the calls:

I knew it. This article has the stench of Simmons all over it.

“Wow. I am ashamed to be an NBA fan. Tossing Perkins was an absolute travesty. I'm speechless. 1 of the most indefensible ref moments ever.”

I would be ashamed to be an NBA fan too if I became a Clippers fan after not being able to complain about the Celtics being bad. But anyways, enough about Bill.

“Perk's 2 techs: first one was a farce, 2nd one for WALKING AWAY from a ref after a terrible call. Donaghy just signed another book deal.”

A farce. A raucous sidesplitting good time.

Simmons was hardly the only one to voice such complaints.

Surely his legion of parroting fanboys had fresh insight on the matter.

After the game, Jeff Clark from celticsblog.com, someone who is known for almost never complaining about the officials, wrote, “I hate that the refs made themselves the story tonight.”

Jeff Clark, objective observer of events, said that.

The second half was not much better.

Better is relative. I think it was great because I absolutely hate the Celtics and their fans (because of shit like this). So does the NBA evidently. Sidenote: what is it about Boston sports fans always playing the fucking victim? Shit is annoying.

After the officials made a terrible charge call on Rondo (replays clearly showed Jameer Nelson’s feet were not set), Rondo walked to the sideline and tried to talk to the official about the call.

Charging, generally, can be called when the defender has clear position (which Nelson did). Having set feet is just like an added bonus (the difference between an A and an A+, yanno?) But whatever.

Alright, this meanders on for another 8 thousand words talking about how Joey Crawford wants the Magic to win blah blah conspiracy against the Celtics blah blah. If I can only ask one questio, Mr. Stew Winkle; WHY IN THE FUCKING WORLD WOULD THE NBA WANT THE MAGIC TO WIN? (If it were rigged) WOULDN'T THEY DO EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO TRY FOR A CELTICS/LAKERS FINAL? DO YOU KNOW THE KIND OF MONEY THEY WOULD STAND TO MAKE IF THE GREATEST RIVALRY IN THE SPORT WERE TO BE PLAYED OUT AGAIN? INSTEAD, YOU REALLY BELIEVE THE NBA IS PUSHING FOR A REPEAT OF LAST YEARS FINALS? REALLY?

Look, if we're going to go with a conspiracy, let's be consistent. In the game three blowout, Boston shot ten more free throws. No one outside of Perkins was in too bad of foul trouble (Perkins had 5, in no small part due to being a slow defender). So really, doesn't it seem like the refs were siding with the Celtics on this game?

I need to stop going to the Bleacher Report. It's making my nose bleed.





Oh, and by the way, Perkins 2nd technical foul was rescinded and is no longer suspended for game 6 (which only adds fuel to the fire that the NBA is rigging a Lakers/Celtics final, god I hate NBA fans).